ADVICE FOR KIDS
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer "Yes" to him.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Never pee on an electric fence.
Don't squat with your spurs on:
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment.
Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while
heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His
curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden
leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar
attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin',
went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started
in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like
he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had
herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock
and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came
to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded.
Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "Shit, when you have a Pig like
THAT, you're not gonna eat all at once!"
Give Me The News,
Doc...
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."