A transcript from the new answering service recently installed at the Mental
Health Institute:
 

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline....

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one
will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before
the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to
talk to you."