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MICHELLE OBAMA: My list is too long.
The Swiss Alpine Club (SAC) said mountain accidents in the first six months of 2011 were up by around ten per cent from last year, mainly due to the increase in visitors. Many of the fatal high-mountain incidents involved foreign tourists.
SAN ANGELO, Texas (Reuters) - A jury sentenced polygamist leader Warren Jeffs, who heads a breakaway Mormon sect, to over a century in prison on Tuesday for sexually assaulting two underage girls he wed as "spiritual" brides. … The sentencing came a day after Jeffs was heard on audio recordings telling groups of young teen girls that they would be "rejected by God" if they refused his sexual advances.
==========================="We actually didn't go into this
study primarily to
look at the tea party," he told the Ticket. "The primary purpose of
the study is to update what we learned about religion in
tea partiers were "highly partisan Republicans… They are overwhelmingly white, but even compared to other white Republicans, they had a low regard for immigrants and blacks long before Barack Obama was president, and they still do," they went on.
In addition to being socially
conservative, the study
found a close tie
between religion and
the tea party, whose supporters seek out "deeply religious" elected
officials.
First
Minister Peter Robinson vowed
Iris Robinson was 58 at the time, and the man, Kirk McCambley, was 19.
==============================================================================================French officials prepared to decide if thousands of women should have their [breast] implants surgically removed. About 300,000 PIP implants, used in cosmetic surgery to enhance breast size or replace lost breast tissue… An investigation into PIP found it was using a type of silicone not approved by health authorities but about 10 times cheaper.
The organizer of an
American Heart Association luncheon on
Feb. 15 in
===============================================
Suspected car burglar
gets a dirty dumping
The suspect tried to
hide in the Port-O-Let, but the victim
found him and turned it over, covering him in huge amounts of human
waste.
For 12-year old astrophysics prodigy, the sky’s the limit
Passengers called 911, and when police arrived they ordered
the driver back on the bus. The driver complied but drove to nearby
The passengers called Greyhound, which sent a driver several
hours later. The passengers arrived in
================================================================================================================
I've had to deal with a coupld of such people in my life with an
extreme degree of rudeness:
AP:
"My husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home," she said.
"And what is even crazier, the man even had my husband's hat sitting
right on his head."
Adrian McKinnon held the suspect, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock, at
gunpoint and told him to sit on the floor until he decided what to do.
"We made this man clean up all the mess he made, piles of stuff, he had
thrown out of my drawers and cabinets onto the floor," Tiffany McKinnon
said.
When police arrived, Bullock complained about being forced to clean the
home at gunpoint.
"This man had the nerve to raise sand about us making him clean up the
mess he made in my house," she said. "The police officer laughed at him
when he complained and said anybody else would have shot him dead."
Former Navy sniper Howard Wasdin, 49,
details his life of
secret missions and deadly force in SEAL Team Six: Memoirs of an Elite
Navy
SEAL Sniper (
By NICK CARBONE – Wed May 11,
Copyright: TIME
It's mind boggling the amount of training you do. Even if you're not gearing up for a specific op like these guys were, you still train every day. I'm gonna put 50 pounds of equipment on you, give you two weapons and a sidearm, and we're going to go up and down stairs all day long, clearing different rooms. Some of them will be barricaded, some of them will have little kids in them, some of them will have people with machine guns shooting back at you, and we're going to do this all damn day, every day. You're going to shoot over a thousand rounds a day and you're going to keep doing it until I come over and wake you up in the middle of the night and say, "Let's go!" Then we gear up and we go and just start doing it.
================================================================================================================I always thought and still think the endless
discussion about man vs.
woman is kind of foolish - it was such a popular topic in California
when I lived there - talk shows in the morning on radio would have
contests, etc. - it all sounded so foolish - but the following are
funny jokes sent to me by friends.
> Smart man + Smart woman = romance
> Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> Dumb man + smart woman = affair
> Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
> Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
> A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.
> To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
> Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.
> Any married man should forget his mistakes, there is
no use in two people remembering the same thing.
> Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, but she does.
> A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
-------------------------
From messageboard:
X: You seem to know a lot about relationships between men and women so
I have a question for you. If a man says something in the
forest
and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong? TIA
Answer: I have been married for almost 30 years....trust me on this
one, the answer is clearly YES. Have a nice evening.
---------------------------
FG told a joke: Woman needs one man for all her needs. Man needs all
woman for one need.
================================================================================================================
============================================
Sharon Bialek of
"I said, 'What are you doing?'" alleged Bialek,
who said she had contacted Cain for help getting a job. "You know I have a
boyfriend. This isn't what I came here for."
According to Bialek, Cain answered, "You want a job, right?"
[and Cain in response to this allegation said he doesn't remember anything and doesn't remember her so it can't be true !!]
=============================================
If you can start the day without caffeine. If you can always be
cheerful, ignoring aches and pains. If
you can resist complaining and boring people with
your troubles. If you can eat the same food every
day and be grateful for it. If you can understand
when your loved ones are too busy to give you any
time. If you can overlook it when those you love
take it out on you when through no fault of yours,
something goes wrong. If you can resist treating a
rich friend better than a poor friend. If you can face
the world without lies and deceit. If you can say
honestly that, deep in your heart, you can give love
unconditionally without pressure or expectation.
Then, my friend, you are ALMOST as good as your
dog. [source unkown]
================================================================================================================
>
>A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of
>a sudden, he said out loud,"Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly
the sky
>clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you
>have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish" The
>man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over
anytime I want
>to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think
of the
>logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the
>bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
would take! I can do it,
>but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a
>little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honor
>and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long
time. Finally he
>said,"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they
>feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the
silent treatment,
>why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a
>woman truly happy" After a few minutes God said, "You want two
lanes or
>four on that bridge?
>
----------------------------------------------------------------
shame!!!
The
32-year-old woman told authorities that she entered Strauss-Kahn's
suite at the luxury Sofitel hotel not far from Manhattan's Times Square
at about 1 p.m. Eastern time (1600 GMT) Saturday and he attacked her,
Browne said. She said she had been told to clean the spacious
$3000-a-night-suite suite, which she had been told was
empty......Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom naked, chased her
down a hallway and pulled her into a bedroom, where he began to
sexually assault her. She said she fought him off, then he dragged her
into the bathroom, where he forced her to perform oral sex on him and
tried to remove her underwear. The woman was able to break free again
and escaped the room and told hotel staff what had happened,
authorities said. They called police... The NYPD discovered that he was
at the airport and contacted Port Authority officials, who plucked Kahn
from first class on the Air France flight that was scheduled to depart
at 4:40 p.m. and was just about to leave the gate... Strauss-Kahn was
briefly investigated in 2008 over whether he had an improper
relationship with a subordinate female employee. The IMF board found
his actions "regrettable" and said they "reflected a serious error of
judgment."
----------------------------------------------------------------
> A young couple got married and left on their
honeymoon. When
>ZC they got back, the bride immediately called her
mother. Her
> mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
>
> "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was
wonderful! So
> romantic..."
>
> Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we
> returned Sam started using the most horrible
> language...things I'd never heard before! I mean,
all these
> awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and
take
> me home.... Please mama!"
>
> "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell
me, what
> could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
>
> "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the
daughter,
> "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get
me,
> please!"
>
> "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so
upset....
> Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
>
> Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words
like DUST,
> WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
================================================================================================================
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green,
red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man
said,
"What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"
The
old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just
wondering if you were my son.
================================================================================================================
2010 January
3 die when snowmobiles go through ice on Vt. lake
The snowmobiles in Saturday's accident punctured the ice in three places
In the other recent fatal snowmobiling accidents in
Vermont:
_On Dec. 24, a 46-year-old Eden woman died when she hit a tree.
_On Dec. 29 a New York woman died after hitting a tree in West Windsor.
_On Jan. 2, an 18-year-old Readsboro woman died after she fell off a
snowmobile and was hit by a following machine.
==================
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a
churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the
cemetery
and heard some strange noise coming from the area where
Beethoven
was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to
come
and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and
heard
some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth
Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So
the
magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...
the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening
dawned on
the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that
had
gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's
nothing to
worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
================================================================================================================
My elderly aunt used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs
and
say, ''You're next.'' She stopped doing it when I started doing the same
thing, at funerals.
F.
================================================================================================================
The philosophy graduate asks "Why is it there?"
The engineering graduate asks "How does it work?"
The business graduate asks "How much does it cost?"
The liberal arts graduate asks "Would you like fries with it?"
================================================================================================================
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the
local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being
hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said
he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the
airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your
knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why
we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross
the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker
of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals to blind people when the light
is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?"
Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up
our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally
locked in it. We
went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to
unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger's side, I
tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered
the young man.- "I already
got that side."
================================================================================================================
Reza Ganjavi wrote:
>
>Hey was-a-k, did you smoke when you were John Wayne?
>
You bet, Rez, what with all those shoot-'em-ups I was acting in
I was smoking all the time. One time I was firing about seven
guns at once, you should've seen the smoke then! And how
about 'The Alamo'? Talk about smoke! Thick as a
fog! Remember?
JW
================================================================================================================
(This was sent by a friend from New York)
LOVE vs LUST vs MARRIAGE:
LOVE -When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST -When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE -When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE -When intercourse is called "making LOVE."'
LUST -When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE -When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
LOVE -When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST -When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE -When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE -When you share everything you own.
LUST –When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE -When the bank owns everything.
LOVE -When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST -When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE -When ... uh ... what's a climax?
LOVE -When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST -When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE -When you phone each other to bitch about work.
LOVE -When you write poems about your partner.
LUST -When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE -When all you write is checks.
LOVE -When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE -When you're only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE -When you are proud to be seen in public with
your partner.
LUST -When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE -When you never see each other awake.
LOVE -When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST -When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE -When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE -When all the songs on the radio describe
exactly how you feel.
LUST -When the song on the radio determines how you
do it.
MARRIAGE -When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE -When breaking up is something you try not to
think about.
LUST -When staying together is something you try not
to think about.
MARRIAGE -When just getting through the day is your only
thought.
LOVE -When you're only interested in doing things
with your partner.
LUST -When you're only interested in doing things
TO your partner.
MARRIAGE -When you're only interested in your golf
score.
LOVE -When a rainy day means more time to stay
inside and talk.
LUST -When a rainy day means more time to stay
inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE -When a rainy day means it's time to clean
the basement.
LOVE -You only leave the house to buy coffee and
doughnuts.
LUST -You only leave the house to buy condoms and
Vaseline.
MARRIAGE-You only leave the house when you're
allowed
================================================================================================================
Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 10:23:45 -0700
Subject: Be thankful
I AM THANKFUL
For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes, because that
means
she is at home and not out on the streets.
For the taxes that I pay, because that means I am employed.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have
enough
to eat.
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters
that
need fixing, because it means I have a place to lay my head.
For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means
that
we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the lot, because it means
I
am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
For my heating bill, because it means I am warm.
For the lady behind me in church that sings off key, because it means
that
I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to
wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it
means I
am capable of hard work.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning, because it means that
I
am alive.
And finally....... for too much e-mail, because it means I have friends
who are thinking of me.
================================================================================================================
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was
attracted to him and during her
questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "oh, Tarzan
use hole in trunk of tree".
Horrified she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
show you how to do it properly". She took off her clothes and laid
down on the ground. "Here", she said, "you must put it here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her
an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony,
eventually managed to gasp for air and said, "what did you do that
for"?
"Tarzan check for bees".
================================================================================================================
What does an Italian do when he gets stoned?
Stirs tomatoes sauce for the pasta parmagen and olive oil he took
traveling.
================================================================================================================
>
> On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the
> middle of nowhere, the
> following people are stranded:
>
> * Two Italian men and one Italian woman
> * Two French men and one French woman
> * Two German men and one German woman
> * Two Greek men and one Greek woman
> * Two English men and one English woman
> * Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
> * Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
> * Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
> * Two American men and one American woman
> * Two Irish men and one Irish woman
>
> One month later on these stunning islands, the
> following things have
> occurred:
>
> * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
> the Italian woman.
>
> * The two French men and the French woman are living
> happily together
> in a menage-a-trois.
>
> * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule
> of alternating
> visits with the German woman.
>
> * The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and
> the Greek woman
> is cleaning and cooking for them.
>
> * The two English men are waiting for someone to
> introduce them to
> the English woman.
>
> * The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the
> endless ocean and
> another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started
> swimming.
>
> * The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are
> awaiting
> instructions.
>
> * The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
> store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman
> pregnant
> in order to supply employees for their store.
>
> * The two American men are contemplating the virtues
> of suicide
> because the American woman keeps on complaining
> about her body,
> the true nature of feminism, how she can do
> everything they can do,
> the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
> household chores,
> how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her
> last boyfriend
> respected her opinion and treated her nicer than
> they do,
> and how her relationship with her mother is
> improving.
>
> * The two Irish men divided the island into North
> and South and set
> up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in
> the picture
> because it gets sort of foggy after the first few
> litres of coconut whiskey.
> But
> they're satisfied because at least the English
> aren't having any fun.
>
================================================================================================================
Reza Ganjavi wrote in message
news:3f760dfe$1_2@news.bluewin.ch...
> To end posessiveness psychologically is the key.
> To end material posessions and yet remain psychologically
possessive is no
virtue.
>
Which reminds me of a joke:
Q. How come Zen Masters don't make good vacuum cleaner salesmen?
A. They have no attachments.
jw
===========================================
Thanks. This is really really hillarious. You know I love this Swiss
German culture - it's
my favortite in the world - love the people - their ways - the
order........
The french speaking part is too chaotic for me.............
Here's one to add (to reflect my frustration at Swiss French part):
How do you know you're in French Speaking part of Switzerland?
- When people don't shut the Smoking section's door behind them! (I
guess they were never taught).
Best Regards
Reza
----- Original Message -----
From: "M, Andreas"
To: "'R. Ganjavi'"
Sent: Tuesday, November 20, 2001 3:15 AM
Subject: RE: Hi
> ...
> Still living in St.Gallen and working in Zurich....
However, it's great place to live here, isn't it? Even if you read
the following which I just received a week ago or so.
>
> so long,
> Andreas
>
> ==================
[july 2004 - got this email:]
Recent research indicates: There is more money being spent on
breast
implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.
=======================================
The
controversy began after Lawrence Russell Brewer, who was executed on
Wednesday for the hate crime slaying of James Byrd Jr. more than a
decade ago, asked for two chicken fried steaks, a triple-meat bacon
cheeseburger, fried okra, a pound of barbecue, three fajitas, a meat
lover's pizza, a pint of ice cream and a slab of peanut butter fudge
with crushed peanuts. Prison officials said Brewer didn't eat any of it.
"It
is extremely inappropriate to give a person sentenced to death such a
privilege," Sen. John Whitmire, chairman of the Senate Criminal Justice
Committee, wrote in a letter Thursday to Brad Livingston, the executive
director of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.
Within
hours, Livingston said the senator's concerns were valid and the
practice of allowing death row offenders to choose their final meal was
history.
================================================================================================================
"If you help us with $200,000 or even $300,000, we can improve the "O"
Retreat so that your stays here will be out of this world!"
(Sep, 2001)
=========================
Marine Veteran Shot in Craigslist Robbery Used Fingers to
Plug Bullet Wounds. The robbers got the gold chain and started running. The Marine
pursued him. The robbers shot him. He survived. Police caught the robbers. For
a gold chain these idiots could be behind bard forever.
“Within hours, police had arrested three suspects. Steele, 20, and James Flounory, 20, were each charged with one count of attempted murder and two counts of robbery with a firearm. The third suspect, Andre Gayle, 20, was charged with carrying a concealed weapon and possession of marijuana. Flounory and Steele are in jail without bond…”
How can people get so stupid? Marijuana! Lennon’s shooter was also on pot.
================================================================================================================
>>> AND FINALLY
Tomorrow's newspapers are sure to be full of unpalatable reports
involving Stephen Hall, 23, of Kensington Road, Hull, and the goat he
had sex with on an allotment.
Hull crown court heard today that Mr Hall was spotted with the animal
by a man out walking with his grandson, and that the defendant was
engaged in activity with the animal for some 10 minutes. Goat hairs
were found in Mr Hall's underwear.
After initially denying the incident, Mr Hall admitted one count of
buggery with an animal. The goat was said to have suffered distress
during the alleged incident. Sentencing has been postponed until
Friday.
The Informer welcomes unusual news reports. Email suggestions to
informer@guardianunlimited.co.uk, and please include the source.
================================================================================================================
Subject: The first date
Only true life can be this funny?!
This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7,
1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most
embarrassing first date that
a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first date
experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale
took the prize. Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold.
The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip
(no overnight). The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they
were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back
down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should
not
have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere
with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested
she
try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of
the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him
that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or she would
go on the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked down
her pants and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't
have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to
steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching
for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite
the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing
however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to
pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly
glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump
handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a
brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight
and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about
"what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing
her butt off and needed some assistance. He came around the car
as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked
imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She, too, got the
giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation
was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take
something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy
metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in
the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to
get
her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date
proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for
the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that
should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was
embarrassing. This presents a whole new definition of being
"pi$$ed off."
================================================================================================================
they asked the opium addict how did you get addicated? He said, bad
friends...but good charcoal/fire was not ineffective.
=========================================================================================
================================================================================================================
since i am so shy around women and have such hard time meeting girls ;-)
i did a google
and wow,
look what i found
a book that will teaches these thing -- should i buy?!?!?!? (just
kiddin)
You will find a separate chapter about approaching girls in clubs -
with the most common mistakes to avoid. Just by stripping yourself of
these behaviors you will separate yourself from 99% of the guys in the
club and become twice as attractive to women!
The exact words you should say and the exact way you should act when
approaching a girl - if you follow these instructions, the girl will be
attracted to you within 1 minute of meeting her... Whether you are
approaching her in a club, on the streets or anywhere else!
The easiest way to get the phone number of a girl without any hassle or
fear of rejection
How to double your success rate by recognizing when a woman wants you
to approach her - just think how many beautiful girls you have missed
because you didn't see these signs... And how many you will meet this
way!
Places where you shouldn't take your women under any circumstances
(Unless you want to lose them instantly!)
(LOL)
The three topics you must avoid at all costs when taking a woman out
for the first few times
THIS IS TOO MUCH !!
BUT then again maybe needed for Bush supporters !!
19 example topics that you can easily talk about on your dates. These
will help you get from the phase of loosening her up towards more
intimate moments
Problems talking about sex? Not anymore! This book teaches you a dirty
little game to solve the issue... 32 example questions are also
included... She will tell you sexual secrets on the first date that she
otherwise would never tell before you have had sex... At least not to
other guys!
GOSH I GOTTO BUY THE BOOK (not)
Girls communicate their interest towards you with a subtle code...
Learn the signs she is giving you and you will know when she is ready
to get down and dirty... We also teach you the negative signs that show
it's time to move on!
LIKE "BACK OFF M.F." :-)
Know when to go in for the first kiss: you will learn 3 easy ways to
initiate kissing (two subtle and a direct one) including a test to
determine whether she is ready to be kissed or not – don't stress
yourself about the first kiss again!
OH OK
================================================================================================================
================================================================================================================
Quotes from advertisers in Los Angeles health/yoga/psychic/alternative
magazines:
Experience the power of Loving What Is.
I am a natural and receive the message Word by Word so there is no
mistake as to its meaning.
Would you like to become God? Reincarnational Vedic Astrology.
Master Healer and True Prophet!! Transfiguration.
Become a DOCTOR of Metaphysics. (no previous educational requirement).
How to be alluring at any age!
Healing your relationship with money workshop.
[this woman's name is:] White Medicine Buffalo Heart
San Diego: a place that can dissolve your ego. – san=sanctuary
di=death, ego “the sacred place where the ego can die”.
The goddess names I AM…
In 2004 Free yourself from [whole list]… It’s E-Z.
Enlightenment by appointment.
You can heal anything.
Embodying soul purpose using sacred geometry, color, and harmonics
within a new oracle.
Clara is 98% accurate on all readings [inc “Guardian Angel Readings”]
Website design for enlightened spirits.
Tibetan Bowl Sound Healing.
Michael Elliegion “Direct Voice” Channel for the Spiritual Hierarchy
Become Clairvoyant
International institute of vibrational wellness
The online yoga studio for everyone [pic of woman cross legged in front
of computer].
======================================
It’s not difficult to become a doctor but it’s difficult to
become the wife of a doctor (to hunt a doctor). Mrs. Doctor (who is not
really a doctor).
=======================================
real story - a person in a village near Zurich said they
avoid
going to zurich b/c it has polluted air. try a trip to tehran or cairo
or athens
=======================================
in Mexico this guy has not changed his watch yet - after weeks of new
time. he won't - reminds me of old days in Iran when the bike repair
man protested daylight savings time and worked on old time for years to
come.
Juan speaks English but not very good.
I ask him : "what's the new time?"
- 9 past 10
- no way, it can't be.
- my watch says 10 past 10 and it's 1 hour ahead so it must be 9 past
10 :-))
=====================
Republicans don't go outdoors - they're scared - there are germs in the
environment - "we gotto destroy the environment before it destroys us".
(man in michigan)
===================
asked x: what's y in Madras for?
she: for god's love. i hope god's not a blond woman or a boy with green
eyes...one never knows these days.
===============
jan 2 2005
brushed teeth with Traumeel (trauma cream) instead of toothpaste (yuk!)
=================
Sat, Jan 08, 2005
Audit: Texas Improperly Spent Terror Funds
AUSTIN, Texas - An audit of the state's spending of nearly $600 million
in federal anti-terrorism funds found that some of the money was spent
improperly, including to buy a trailer that was used to haul lawn
mowers to "lawn mower drag races."
The state auditor's office pointed out several cases in which poor
monitoring by the Texas Engineering Extension Service may have allowed
abuse.
One county bought 18 radios and other communication equipment from a
company owned by one of its county commissioners, according to the
report released Thursday. Another jurisdiction used a trailer
ostensibly bought as emergency equipment to haul lawn mowers to races,
the report says.
State auditors have forwarded the case to their special investigation
unit, which handles fraud, abuse and other criminal allegations.
The audit's findings mirror some of the weaknesses identified in a
September report by The Dallas Morning News. The newspaper found that
some cities used anti-terrorism funds to buy equipment for traffic
stops, drug investigations and even community festivals.
The extension service said it agreed with many of the auditor's
recommendations but that overall it had done an excellent job
overseeing grants. It has begun requiring some grant recipients to
report how they use equipment.
==========================
THIS IS ONLY A JOKE - NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND ANYONE, ANY RELIGION OR
BELIEF SYSTEM
I DID NOT WRITE THIS
>Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
>Taoism: Shit happens.
>Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
>Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
>Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
>Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
>Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
>Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
>Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person
>responsible.
>Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
>Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
>Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
>Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
>Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long
>as you serve the right wine with it.
>Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as
>you serve grape juice with it.
>Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is
>just as good as shit that happens to another.
>Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as
>bad as shit that happens to another.
>Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
>Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell,
>unless you are born again. (Amen!)
>Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist,
>it's okay.
>Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
>Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
>Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
>Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on
>Saturday.
>Creationism: God made all shit.
>Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
>Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a
>doctor - pray!
>Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your
>mind.
>Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this
>shit.
>Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
>Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
>Darwinism: This shit was once food.
>Capitalism: That's MY shit.
>Communism: It's everybody's shit.
>Feminism: Men are shit.
>Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without
>us...
>Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
>Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a
>garden.
>Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
>Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
>Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
>Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
>Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
>
>Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
>Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
>Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
>Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
>Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock<
>Knock< Shit happens.
>Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your
>time to show you some of our shit?
>Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and
>is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its
>happening.
>Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
>Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
>Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
>Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
>Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
>Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
>Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe
>not.
>Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
>Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
>Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
>Atheism: What shit?
>Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
>Nihilism: No shit.
>
>
>And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous:
>Shit happens-one day at a time!
>
==================
He’s a big shot doctor but not very technical. his wife
found a sms from six months ago on his mobile: "Doctor, I have diaria
what should I do?"
================================================================================================================
Thief Steals Poop From Woman Walking Dog
2 hours, 20 minutes ago
Add to My Yahoo! Top Stories -
AP
SAN DIEGO - The hunt is on for a turd burglar. Police in San Diego are
searching for a gunman who swiped a bag of poop from a woman out
walking her dog.
The woman told police that she was out walking her dog, Misty, on
Monday night when a man in his 20s ran up behind her and grabbed the
bag she was holding.
When the gunman discovered what was in it, he threw it down in disgust,
pointed his gun at the 32-year-old woman and demanded money, San Diego
police detective Gary Hassen said.
He then aimed his .22-caliber semiautomatic at Misty and pulled the
trigger twice but the gun didn't fire, Hassen said.
The robber ran to a waiting small, silver car and fled the scene,
police said.
================================================================================================================
Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to
communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES
================================================================================================================
5.5.05
Texas Woman Pleads in Husband's Fake Death
4 minutes ago
GEORGETOWN, Texas - A woman pleaded guilty to helping her husband fake
his own death by digging up a corpse from a cemetery and then staging a
fiery car accident in which the body was burned beyond recognition.
Molly Daniels pleaded guilty Tuesday to insurance fraud and hindering
apprehension. A jury will decide her punishment this week. She faces
probation to 20 years in prison.
Her husband, Clayton Wayne Daniels, is jailed pending trial on arson
charges.
According to allegations in court records, Clayton Daniels dug up a
body from a graveyard, placed it in his car and set the car on fire
last June, burning the body beyond recognition. Prosecutors said a few
weeks later, his wife introduced her 4-year-old son to her new
boyfriend, Jake Gregg — actually Daniels with his hair dyed black.
Authorities believe the body found in the wreck belonged to Charlotte
Davis, an 81-year-old woman who died in 2003. Investigators said Molly
Daniels had told them her husband had exhumed a body from a cemetery.
When they went to the cemetery, they discovered a grave, that of Davis,
had been disturbed and then found there was no body in the coffin.
In court, investigators said the June 18 wreck, in which the green
Chevrolet was found scorched and at the bottom of a cliff, had seemed
fishy from the start.
There were no skid marks on the road, they said, and an investigator
found that the fire started in the driver's seat and was helped along
by charcoal lighter fluid.
Texas Ranger Garth Davis also testified that when he interviewed Molly
Daniels about the crash, she was surprisingly calm. Davis took a DNA
sample from the charred body and from Clayton Daniels' mother and found
the body was not Daniels'.
Davis said searches of the couple's home and Molly Daniels' work
computer also revealed a complicated scheme to create a new identity
for Daniels, including fake birth certificates and a Texas driver's
license under the name Jacob Alexander Gregg.
Assistant District Attorney Jane Starnes blamed greed, pointing to a
$110,000 life insurance policy. Officials also said the staged death
came days before Clayton Daniels was to report to jail for failing to
report to his probation officer. He had been given probation for a
sexual assault of a young girl.
Defense lawyer Thomas Vasquez said Molly Daniels' motive was fear that
her children, ages 4 and 1, would not have been allowed to have contact
with their father under terms of his sentence.
================================================================================================================
Woman, 69, survives 9-story fall
May 12, 2005
BY ART GOLAB Staff Reporter
After surviving a nine-story fall from a Fort Lauderdale condo tower,
69-year-old Prospect Heights resident Gloria Jummati may have a second
career as a Hollywood stuntwoman.
Jummati was cleaning her balcony when she lost her balance and fell
over the railing, but was saved when she landed on a first-floor
canopy, according to Fort Lauderdale television reports.
She suffered only a dislocated shoulder, and chatted away with her
rescuers who found her inside the awning. The awning absorbed her fall
and enveloped her, preventing her from bouncing out, authorities said.
She was being treated at a local hospital.
She and her husband, Merle, have condos in both Fort Lauderdale and
Prospect Heights.
================================================================================================================
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Adkisson "stated that he had targeted the church
because of its liberal teachings and his belief that all liberals
should be
killed because they were ruining the country," investigator Steve Still
wrote.